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February, 2007

Trust is the cement that holds a relationship together.

(Greetings! Below is the February Maxim. Because there have recently been transmission problems, Shelby would like to offer a gift to each of you who writes to let her know that you have received this Maxim. When you respond, please include your full mailing address, and she will send you a copy of her new little book, How To Live Happily Ever After, from which this month's Maxim is taken. Please send your responses to the following e-mail address: bgshelby22@yahoo.com.

In the meantime, enjoy the Maxim, and remember that you can see it with full formatting, at www.shelbybeckett.com. You can also see the cover of the book there, as well as read about her other new release, What You Believe Is What You Receive. Best wishes, Max)

What is the most important ingredient in a successful personal relationship? The usual answer is, "Love," but there are many interpretations of what that means, some of which really don't lend themselves to creating lasting happiness. Possessiveness is often mistaken for love, as are obsession, "crushes," and even passion. Passion can contribute to an enduring relationship, but can't guarantee success unless the crucial element of trust is also present.

Mutual trust is the cement that holds a relationship together. It can only develop and grow strong in an atmosphere of consistently honest communication on the part of both partners. Honestly sharing your feelings may feel scary or even painful at times, but if you "swallow" your angers and resentments, they can blow up out of proportion and choke you. Repressing how you feel is certain to eventually destroy any chance of a lasting relationship.

Keep in mind that "honest communication" does not mean blaming the other person. Blame is a great divider. So, instead of demanding in an angry or hurt voice, "Why did you do that?", or telling your partner his/her actions or words were unkind, say something like, "When you said/did that, I felt (hurt, angry, upset – whatever describes your reaction)." Then give this person you love the opportunity to explain his/her side, and make every effort to understand the response with both your mind and your heart.

Consistently sharing your feelings with love and honesty allows you to feel safe with each other, because you're expressing your concerns without placing blame, and are also willing to understand the other person's position. This permits you both to begin to realize that neither would ever deliberately hurt the other. And this knowledge gradually creates the unshakable trust that will allow your relationship to weather any storm.

January, 2007

Living a successful life

What makes a life successful? Having lots of money, big cars, million dollar homes and expensive clothing? Attracting widespread attention for how you look or what you accomplish? Despite public emphasis on these things, wealth, good looks and achievements don't guarantee happiness. Money can be lost as well as made; physical beauty and popularity eventually fade, and achievement can become a trap, because there's always another goal that has to be reached, in order to keep from feeling like a failure.

Most people go day to day without accomplishing "great" deeds. They may feel that they are living "little" lives, achieving nothing of importance. But every life is important, every life has meaning. Just the act of "showing up," of making the effort to do what comes next, to work on what's presented to you, means your life is successful.

Your accomplishments may not be the big, flashy, look-at-me-I-just-climbed-Kilimanjaro-and-got-my-picture-in-the-paper kind. But success doesn't have to be noisy or universally noticed to be genuine. Rocking a frightened child back to sleep; complimenting someone who needs to hear kind words; graciously undertaking an unpleasant job no one else wants to do; helping out a person in need; doing something nice for yourself, because you understand that you, too, deserve to be happy – all these things are the hallmarks of a successful person.

So don't sell yourself short. An accumulation of "little" actions, undertaken daily with as good grace as you can muster, adds up to a life just as important and successful as that of the most celebrated person in the world.

December, 2006

Package your gift with ribbons, not with strings

(Warmest wishes to you all for the holidays, from Shelby and from me! Max
And please remember that you can see this and all other Maxims in their proper format by going to www.shelbybeckett.com, and clicking on "Max's Maxims.")

For this month of giving and receiving gifts, I'd like to remind you that the only true gift is one that has no "strings" attached to it. The decision to give a gift should be made without any expectation, except perhaps that the receiver will enjoy what you've chosen for them. If you're expecting a present in return, or some sort of statement of thanks, attaching those "strings" means you are no longer giving a gift – you are, instead, offering a bribe.

A friend of my human scribe was recently upset because for many years she has sent a Christmas gift to a child she loves, but has never once received a "thank you" of any kind. This isn't uncommon, because unless parents teach their offspring to express appreciation that someone has made the effort to send them a present, children don't even realize that such an expression is needed. If this friend decides to stop or limit her gift-giving, she will do so mainly out of hurt feelings and/or a desire to punish the child. She won't even be "teaching a lesson," because the most likely result is that the child will believe that the gifts have stopped because the giver no longer cares about him or her. (This is not to say that children shouldn't be taught to express gratitude, or that it isn't a good thing to know whether or not a long-distance gift has been received, but politeness and consideration on the part of recipients is another topic.)

To truly give from your heart, whether to a child or an adult, you must release your expectation of reciprocation or thanks; and if you do receive some, see that as a bonus, not as the fulfillment of a requirement. If you want to give a gift, by all means give one; but wrap it with ribbons – don't tie it up with "strings."

November, 2006

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a day set aside to feel and express appreciation for what you have. It also provides the opportunity to ask yourself if your "attitude of gratitude" reaches back to the true origin of those things for which you are giving thanks. Whatever makes you feel grateful – abundant food, a comfortable home, a good paycheck (which makes the former two more possible), loving relationships – remember that behind all of these and of any other "gratitudes" you may express, lies the solid, unchanging fact that everything you receive comes ultimately from the Source of All Good. Call it what you wish - God, Yaweh, Source, Universe, Buddha, Allah – whatever fits your belief – this all-pervading, creative energy is the ultimate origin of your supply. Even if you should lose your job (or whatever else you may consider the source of your income), this true Source of your supply never changes and will continue to provide for you, if you allow It to.

Believe that the Source is taking care of you, even if you sometimes have to pretend that belief for awhile. This isn't wishful thinking or lying to yourself; you are, instead, tapping into the universal law stating that "what you believe is what you receive." And express your gratitude for whatever you have, whether large or small. When you do this, another universal law, "what you send out comes back multiplied," causes you to draw back to you situations that allow you to feel even more grateful.

So enjoy Thanksgiving day, but also fill every day with gratitude to the true Source of your supply. You'll be glad you did.

October, 2006

Take off the mask – discover yourself!

(Note: If you want to be able to see this and other Maxims in full format, including my picture, go to www.shelbybeckett.com and click on 'Max's Maxims." And be sure to add the e-mail address from which you received this Maxim to your address book. Thanks, Max.)

Today is Hallowe'en, the time for masks and costumes. Dressing up and hiding your identity can be exciting and fun, although eventually everyone is relieved to wipe off the makeup and be themselves again. But what if you were forced to remain in costume for the rest of the year, pretending to be someone or something other than yourself, constantly having to peer out at the world through the eye slits of your mask? Not fun, you say? Inconvenient, confusing and unproductive? Yet almost every human being on this planet spends years, sometimes an entire lifetime, doing just that.

What kind of mask are you hiding behind? Fear? Anger? Guilt? Inadequacy? Self-hatred? A combination of these? What would your life be like if you took off your mask and revealed who you really are? I can almost hear your shocked response. "Oh, I could never do that – people would know what a bad (inadequate, ugly, incompetent, unworthy) person I am!"

But the truth is, everyone is on this journey called life together, and no one is perfect – no one! In fact, to be human and to be perfect is a contradiction in terms – you can't do it. No one can do it. You're not even supposed to do it, because it is through those very imperfections that you learn and grow. Masks just make the learning more difficult, because the only way to really achieve lasting happiness is by being who you are, "warts" and all.

And guess what? Having the courage to take off your mask and reveal your true self gives everyone around you permission to drop their own disguises, if they're willing to do it. What a relief! To stop having to always maintain a "front," to just relax into being yourself, is freedom beyond belief. But it does take courage. It also requires the willingness to risk change, because finally honoring who you really are will definitely bring changes, both in you and in others. Some relationships may shift or end, some "friends" may fall away, because your honesty threatens their unwillingness to be honest with themselves. Yet every step toward authenticity makes you stronger, and your courage will be rewarded with new, more authentic relationships and greater ability on your part to handle every aspect of your life.

What better time to make a commitment to who you truly are than on this day of disguises? Be courageous – take off your mask and discover yourself. It will feel scary, but it's also exhilarating and empowering, and the only way you can live fully and happily. You'll be surprised and pleased to realize how wonderful your true self really is!

September, 2006

Who am I? Why am I here?

These are questions almost everyone asks at one time or another. Many people feel that they have a "life purpose," but are often frustrated because they haven't figured out exactly what it is. They believe that because they don't have a single-pointed, burning desire to accomplish something specific, or have found some world-shaking destiny to fulfill, there must something wrong with them.

But "life purpose" is not meant to be a single-pointed goal for the majority of human beings. Only a handful of individuals have ever been focused from childhood on becoming a doctor, a top athlete, or a Mother Teresa. Most people have a multi-faceted life purpose. This means that going step by step, as you feel guided, or as life leads you, is your purpose. If you want to get from point "A" to point "D," you have to go through "B" and "C" to get there. No skipping steps. No being promoted from kindergarten to graduate school. No grand fanfares. Just advancing step by step, lesson by lesson, fulfilling one purpose and moving on to the next one and fulfilling it.

This isn't as exciting or glamourous as conquering Mt. Everest or discovering the top medical breakthrough of the century. But it's just as important to your growth – maybe even more so – than these single-pointed, high-profile accomplishments. Being willing to tackle each problem as it comes, moving through it with good grace to the next one, and then the next, takes a special kind of strength and courage. It demands a deeper awareness of circumstances and situations than the single-pointed focus does, and requires the flexibility to accept change as a way of life, instead of letting all those opportunities slip past, while your eyes are fixed on a single, more distant goal.

Each type of life purpose brings its own particular learning and its own special rewards. If yours is single-pointed, then invest your efforts in achieving that goal and the rewards that focus offers. If your purpose is multi-faceted, be aware that, even though there isn't as much fanfare involved, there is nothing dull or boring about it. Because you must constantly be aware of events and their meanings, and of your own behaviors, as well as the actions of others around you, the multi-purpose focus has the power to endow your life with deep, fulfilling meaning, allowing you to accumulate wisdom and growth from every experience you encounter.

Who are you? You are the unique person you came to be, whose life purpose will emerge most clearly when you take care of each challenge that presents itself, as well and as happily as you can. You are here to follow your inner guidance as to what to do next, knowing that this may come in many forms – from a dream, from something you read or hear, or from the 'small, still voice' that whispers to you, over and over, "This is what you need to be doing now."

Pay attention to that guidance. It knows what your life purpose is and will guide you through it, step by step, from one valuable goal after another, if you allow it to.

August, 2006

Truly great expectations

"Great Expectations" may have made a wonderful book title for Charles Dickens. But in your personal life, your expectations of how other people should behave largely determines how happy you're going to be.

How often have you imagined what the results of a family trip, a conversation, a friend's visit, or a romantic evening will be? If you're honest, you'll have to admit that what you made up in your head about what would (or should) happen and what really did happen is almost never the same.

Expectations can be an important way of focusing on things you'd like to bring into your life. But when you make them barometers of your behavior toward others, you get into trouble. It's all too easy to make expectations into demands. You begin to believe that other people should behave in certain ways, and when they don't, you feel angry, frustrated or disappointed. But other people's beliefs and feelings (which are frequently very different from your own) influence how they act and react in situations, just as yours govern how you behave. If you became upset when someone doesn't act the way you expect them to, it's not so much what they do or don't do that distresses you; you're upset because their actions don't fit the way you think they should behave.

What can you do to keep yourself from being disappointed when people don't act the way you want them to? First of all, do your best to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Just because they may do things you don't agree with, doesn't mean that they are trying to hurt or upset you. Do your best to understand that people always try to protect themselves and their own needs, or the needs of those closest to them, and realize that you almost always behave this way, too. It's simply human nature.

Second, always plan tentatively, where other people are concerned. If their plans should suddenly shift, it will be much easier for you to shift your own without getting upset, if you aren't rigid about the everything having to exactly follow the original schedule. Be willing to understand the other person's point of view, instead of demanding that they focus solely on yours. And let yourself be open to seeing that often the change produces better results than the original plan would have brought about.

The most useful expectations are flexible, undemanding ones. Let yourself expect others only to do the best they can, and forgive them when they can't always produce the behaviors and results you prefer. When you do this, you'll find your expectations truly becoming "great," bringing you not only a much happier life, but also the gratitude and respect of everyone around you.

July, 2006

Change your footwork, change the dance!

How many times have you said, "If only ______ (you fill in the name) would change, everything would be OK."? Unfortunately, relationships don't work that way. None of us can change anyone else, and even if we could, we wouldn't have the right to do it. The only way you can change another person is by changing yourself – or at least by changing your responses to them.

Every interaction is like a dance. Each partner has a pattern of steps that is interlinked with the pattern of the other one. You do or say something, and the other person reacts. Then you react to his or her reaction, and the dance is under way. The only way to change the pattern of the dance is to change your own footwork! That is, you must stop reacting in your habitual manner and do or say something different. If, for example, your child or spouse or boss or co-worker always behaves in a certain way that irritates you, instead of allowing yourself to respond angrily, as you usually do, just let it pass. Smile, shrug, walk away – whatever you need to do to break the pattern of that particular dance.

When you do this, you shift that relationship. One person can't continue the habitual dance, if the other person isn't going through the same steps any longer. The interaction has changed. It becomes a new dance, or may even stop completely. No one can fight with you, if you no longer fight with them. No one can continue a two-person dance by themselves.

Stop worrying about directly changing anyone else's behavior. You can't do it. But you can change it indirectly, by changing your own responses, your own behavior. And that you can do, if you're willing to make the effort.

June, 2006

Make up your mind! (Part 2)

In the April Maxim we discussed how making up your mind makes changes possible. (If you missed this Maxim, you can read it by going to www.shelbybeckett.com, and clicking on "Max's Maxims.") This month I want to continue that line of thought by presenting three concepts that will help you in the decision-making process.

1. Ask yourself two crucial questions. When someone wants you to do something, ask yourself these two questions before committing yourself: "Do I want to this?" If the answer is "No," then don't do it. If the answer is "Yes," then ask yourself the second question, "If I want to do this, can I do it without unduly stressing myself?" If the answer is "Yes," then do it. If it is "No," then don't do it. (If the answer is "No," and you do it anyway, you'll probably regret it, since you'll be going against what you know is right for you. Of course, if the issue might be a matter of life or death, you will probably do it, regardless of how you feel.)

2. Remember that your "gut" (which is how your inner guidance most often manifests) knows what is best for you. If you do something because you've allowed someone to talk you into it against your gut feeling, you'll probably be doing it because you're afraid of their anger, or of being thought a bad person. This means you'll do it with resentment and anger, which makes it a "tainted gift," wrong for you and for them. Others may not be happy that you've chosen to go against what they want you to do, but how they react is not a result of your choice, but of how they choose to react to your choice.

3. When you do what you know is right for you, it is automatically right for everyone else involved, whether or not they choose to understand that. If you allow yourself to be talked into something that you know isn't right for you, you contaminate the entire situation with anger and resentment, both against the person who persuaded you, and against yourself. (This is what is meant by a "tainted gift.") The same thing is true when your guidance leads you to do something others may disapprove of. When you honor your inner knowing of what you should or should not do, you will always make the best possible choice.

Make decisions based on what you know internally is right for you, and you won't go wrong.

May, 2006

Two very difficult things.

(My apologies for the lateness of this and the June Maxim. In addition to problems with the transmission, my human scribe, Shelby, had to have tendon surgery on her left index finger, which kept her from typing for some time. You may notice that this and the following Maxims will reach you in a very plain format. This is done to make it easier for your e-mail program to accept them. Sincerely, Max)

There are two very difficult things that you may need to do, if you want to have a happier life. The first of these is to forgive someone who has wronged you. Prompted by "righteous anger" you may exclaim indignantly, "Difficult? It's impossible! Why should I let that so-and-so off the hook, when I'm the one who suffered?" This very human reaction overlooks the fact that the person toward whom you feel such anger may no longer remember what happened, or even be aware that what they did offended you. Meanwhile, you continue to stew in your own uncomfortable juice (anger and resentment are very 'hot' emotions), feeling miserable, and possibly even creating physical problems for yourself. (Recent studies indicate that refusal to forgive often results in a variety of unpleasant illnesses.) And instead of lessening your pain, your unforgiveness actually binds you to object of your anger, giving that person control over your life for as long as you hold onto your resentment. This, of course, makes you the one who is "on the hook!"

Fortunately, forgiving does not mean you lose your integrity. Forgiving someone does not require you to agree that what they said or did was all right, or to in any other way condone the words or acts that caused your pain. Forgiving simply means being willing to let go of your anger and resentment, freeing yourself from bondage to that person, so that you don't continue to drag them around behind you. In other words, you forgive strictly for your own benefit! And don't worry about trying to "forgive and forget." It's impossible to forget; but when you forgive, you are free to remember without the pain.

The second most difficult thing you need to do is to forgive yourself for your own mistakes. It's often easier to let go of anger toward someone else than it is to stop blaming yourself for whatever you may have, or have not, done or said in the past. But unless you are willing to do this, you are miring yourself down in the self-pity that is a direct and unavoidable outgrowth of self-blame and guilt.

You alone have the power to let go of your anger, to forgive both others and yourself. But be aware that practicing forgiveness, like changing any other negative habit is not an instant accomplishment — it is a process. You must be willing to do it over and over again, until it finally 'takes."

So, gather up your courage and stop dragging the deadening weight of the past around behind you. Set yourself free through forgiveness and move forward into a happier life!

April, 2006

Make up your mind!

(There has been a problem sending this month's maxim, so I'm going to try again. If you've already received the April maxim, just delete this copy. If you haven't, I trust you'll enjoy it. Max)

We all have said to ourselves (sometimes many times), "I really should do (this or that)," knowing that the intent we're expressing is something that will help us live more happily or healthily. Unfortunately, saying we "should" do something is actually an avoidance technique. It means we aren't going to do it, because we haven't yet made up our minds to tackle the issue.

Another form of avoidance we frequently practice happens when someone asks us to do something we don't want to do. Instead of telling them flatly, "I can't help you with that," we say something like, "I wish I could do it, but I just don't think I can." We fear that telling them how we really feel will cause them to become angry or offended, and demonstrate how bad or insensitive we are. We don't realize that this lack of decisiveness actually allows the person making the request to guilt us into doing what they want, despite our protestations.

Both these behaviors demonstrate what I call "waffling." Waffling is not only a big waste of time; it's also dishonest, because we don't tell the truth about our feelings. Being unwilling to make necessary changes keeps us unhappy and dissatisfied. Being afraid to firmly and definitely say "no" to something we don't want to do makes us vulnerable to being manipulated into doing it anyway, and we then we feel angry both at the manipulator and at ourselves.

Fortunately, both these forms of waffling can be cured by the same simple (although not always easy to take) "medicine" – make up your mind about what you do or don't want to do, then stick to it. Making up your mind is crucial, because until you do, nothing will ever change.

But once you do make up your mind, once you decide that you're going to tackle whatever it is you know needs to be accomplished – whether it's exercising, changing your habits, refusing to be pushed into activities you dislike, or anything else – changes will almost immediately begin to take place. Your inner decisiveness will instantly communicate itself to others, so that they accept your decisions without much argument, and the universe will begin to cooperate with you in amazing ways.

Make up your mind, and watch how your life changes for the better!

March, 2006

The month of Spring.

March is the month of Spring, of new beginnings. In a world focused on difficulties, an excellent new beginning would be to help relieve this intensity by lightening up our attitudes. I myself have recently received the recommendation that I write in a lighter vein (or, as the friend who made the suggestion put it, "stop being so preachy"). As a philosopher cat, I could take offense at this, but since I wish to optimize the impact of my message, I shall tread more lightly on the preaching, while pouncing on the points I want to convey.

Lightening up makes every situation better. Life becomes a burden when we forget how to laugh, especially at ourselves. We need to avoid locking ourselves into "drama mode," and instead look for the humor in even difficult situations. This allows us to reclaim our inner power, so that we can reach beyond any present problem, to the place where solutions lie waiting.

"Murphy" says that whatever can go wrong will go wrong, at the worst possible moment, and there is some truth in this. But it isn't what happens that creates our problems; it's our reaction to what happens that determines how events affect us. Becoming frustrated when things go wrong doesn't improve anything. Finding the humor in everything that happens lets you stay "light," so you don't get bogged down in even difficult situations. After all, the only way to beat Murphy at his own game is to not get caught up in what he's throwing at you. Keep your cool and let him feel frustrated, for a change!

Take your life more lightly. See how high you can fly!

February, 2006

Love must be based on true friendship, if it is to truly last.

February, with its celebration of Valentine's Day, is "the month of love." It's pleasant to think of chocolates and flowers, heart-shaped balloons, and all the other symbols of love, but what exactly is love, and why must it be based on true friendship, if it is to truly last?

A truly lasting relationship is one in which both partners stay together because they value, respect, and enjoy their interactions with one another. There are, of course, relationships that "last," in which the participants grimly hang onto each other for a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with mutual caring or respect. However, the emotional glue that holds these unions together cannot be categorized as love.

Two extremes of what is commonly thought of as "love" are constantly presented in books, songs, movies and on television, fostering a misunderstanding of what truly loving another person means. According to these views, lovers either live happily ever after, or they spend their entire relationship arguing and fighting with each other, unable to break free because of their bond. These mistaken viewpoints continue to persist, despite strong evidence that believing in them stunts the growth of true love, and both are based on a false foundation.

Both the "happily ever after" relationship (which inevitably ends up with serious problems) and the one troubled from almost the beginning have one thing in common — neither partner regards the other in a realistic light. Instead each sees a person who is simply the creation of his or her own imagination and desires, the result of a self-induced blindness brought on by "being in love with love," and/or being drawn into the union mainly by physical or romantic attraction. Anger and blaming inevitably follow when the real person behind the false image eventually begins to emerge, and are natural outcomes of basing the relationship on fantasy, rather than on the essential foundation of true friendship.

True friendship means that you each see the other as a "real" human being, and allow your partner to be him or herself without fear in your presence. True friendship means that you are willing to understand that your partner is just as human as you are, flawed in some ways, but doing the best he or she can to make life work well. It means sharing your feelings, instead of assuming you know what your partner is thinking, or that he or she knows what you are thinking. It means communicating without blaming. It means focusing on what you enjoy in the relationship, and overlooking what aggravates you, unless it's something important enough to bring up for discussion. It means developing a trust that allows each of you to know that neither would ever willingly harm the other.

True friendship is like a cake, the solid base on which you can build a truly lasting relationship. Romance and physical attraction are simply the frosting, and, as everyone knows, frosting does not stand up well without a cake under it. A relationship based on true friendship is able to be truly lasting. And every ounce of effort you put into creating this "cake" will bring you rewards sweeter than you can imagine.

January, 2006

Don't make resolutions -- prefer changes!

Each January, millions of people begin the new year by resolving to "do better," ranging from making a commitment to lose five pounds, to giving themselves the mostly improbable goal of earning a million dollars before the end of next December.

The typical New Year's resolution could be defined as a goal you believe you "should" achieve. "Should," however, automatically carries with it the taint of judgment. This is because it does not deal with fulfilling a need that originated with you, but with one that has come from the mind of someone else – a parent, teacher, friend, magazine, or "society." Any time you are told (or have been told in the past) that there is an activity you should undertake, in order for you to become a better person in some way (thinner, richer, more cooperative, smarter, etc., etc.), you can rest assured that you'll be trying to fulfill what someone else thinks you "should" do, instead of working toward what you want to accomplish. (Unless, of course, you have independently come to the conclusion that undertaking this particular activity would benefit you.)

If you do something simply because you feel you should do it, you already have the proverbial "three strikes" against you. First, you put yourself in the impossible position of trying to force yourself to do something you don't really want to do (if you wanted to do it, you would probably already have done it). Second, you approach the activity from a position of guilt, from the feeling that you must accomplish it, in order to be a more acceptable person. And third, you will almost certainly fail to carry the resolution through to completion (because of reasons one and two), adding even more guilt to the burden you're already dragging around.

Why not take a different approach to creating changes in the new year, if you truly believe that those changes will be beneficial? Instead of resolving to make shifts in your behavior, give yourself permission to prefer changes that you, yourself, truly feel would improve your quality of life. Take time to think about your relationship to yourself, to others, to money, to time management, to whatever might be an issue for you. Whatever it is, be sure the issue originates inside yourself, instead of being imposed upon you by others.

Once you have decided on the shifts you want to accomplish, give yourself permission to prefer, instead of resolve, that they take place. Preferences remove the guilt-bearing sense of "should," so that you can relax into a program designed for you by you, not by someone else. Giving yourself permission to prefer changes allows you the flexibility to go ahead and make them, if you truly desire to do so, at the same time removing the nagging sense of obligation to carry them through, should you decide you don't have the ability or interest required to continue working on them.

Preferring changes in your behavior or attitude gives you the right to do (or not do) whatever you feel is appropriate, and to change your mind if you begin to feel you've bitten off more than you can chew, or simply no longer have the desire to make a change you originally thought would suit you. Preferring prevents you from feeling disappointed in yourself for "failing," since realizing you no longer prefer something does not brand you a failure.

Thus, allowing resolutions to become preferences gives you the ability to be less hard on yourself, as well as the opportunity to become more attuned to what you really want and need. It returns your internal control to the place it belongs – to you.

December, 2005

To receive is also to give.

The month of December usually provokes a gift-giving frenzy. And even though most people like to receive gifts, many of them feel guilty when they do so.

A misunderstanding about the teaching that, "It is better to give than to receive," is often responsible for this. It is true that giving, if you do it with an open heart and loving intent, is as beneficial to you, as the giver, as it is to the receiver of the gift. However, if you give out of obligation, or out of fear of what will be said if you don't give, the benefit of your gift will be diminished, both for you and for the person to whom you give it. This includes not only physical gifts, but gifts of time and attention, as well as compliments and favors.

Consider this: how can you possibly be a giver, if you have no receiver? The very act of giving requires someone to be on the other end, to receive your gift. You may feel uncomfortable when someone offers you a present, because you feel that being a receiver places you lower on the value scale than being a giver. There are even those who believe that it is actually shameful to receive, that you must always give, in order to be worthy. This reasoning completely overlooks the fact that, without a receiver, no gift is possible.

Receiving graciously, with thanks and appreciation, is in its own way as noble as presenting a gift. In fact, by your gracious reception, you complete the circle of caring. Remember, there can be no giver, without a receiver!

Receiving, then, is a form of giving. When you accept a gift with gratitude and with appreciation of the one who gave it, you allow that person to experience the pleasure of being a giver. So, when you receive, you also give, and the circle of love is completed.

November, 2005

You can either worry, or you can have faith, but you can't do both at the same time.

Often it's hard not to get sucked into the "drama" of life, especially when things seem to be going wrong. At these times, one of the most difficult things to realize is that the more negative your situation becomes, the more necessary it is for you to let go of your stranglehold on distress, and have faith that things are working through in a positive manner, despite appearances to the contrary. These are the moments when you must choose between having faith, or worrying. And it is a choice. You either choose to worry, or you choose to have faith. You can't do both at the same time, because the faith and worry cancel each other out.

If you find it impossible to generate enough faith to carry you through the dark times, then pretend it! It's all right to pretend faith, if you can't genuinely feel it. Even pretended faith that things are working through for your benefit puts you in a position where you can't lose, because choosing to have faith in the good intentions of the Universal Power gives that Power permission to work in your behalf. Choosing to worry withdraws that permission and cuts you off from your inner guidance, making it almost impossible for the negative situation to be easily and smoothly resolved.

Lack of faith also results in a feeling of unhappiness, which generates further negativity. This then reaches out and draws back even more negative energy, making you believe that nothing will ever work in your favor. (See October Maxim.) Faith, on the other hand, opens up the channels of reception and sends out positive energy, which then returns to you multiplied.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by choosing to have faith, even if you have to pretend it for awhile.

October, 2005

What you send out comes back mutiplied

Quantum physics teaches us that we are made up of atomic vibrations that interconnect us with the vibrations of the everyone and everything else in existence. Because of this, not only our actions, but also our thoughts, have an effect on the rest of the world which, in turn, also influences us.

What that means in terms of, "what you send out comes back multiplied," is that your behaviors, even your thoughts and attitudes, have an effect on the world around you. You can see this in the simple example of what happens to a group of people when someone angry or depressed enters the room. Almost everyone present soon begins to experience some sort of negative response, even though they may not realize where those feelings are coming from. In the same way, when someone cheerful and vibrant joins the group, most of those present tend to perk up and feel happier.

Not only do your emotions affect the world around you, but whatever feelings you send out in any given situation will attract back to you circumstances that fit them. If you send out fear and anxiety, for example, you will draw back to you events that seem to justify your pessimism. Conversely, if you send out trust and happiness, you will attract experiences that create more of the same, which then justifies your optimism.

Understanding this, you can see that it's up to you to choose the type of experiences you want in your life. The attitudes you send out into the world go searching for circumstances that reflect them, then round up and shepherd those back to you.If you are accustomed to working from a base of fear and negativity when problems arise, try this experiment: the next time a situation arises that would normally make you anxious, do your best to let go of your fears and maintain a positive focus. (You'll probably have to practice this many times before the situation works itself through. It's a process, not a one-time effort.) You should be pleasantly surprised to discover how a seemingly negative situation can transform itself into a positive one.

Like the famous song by Harold Arlen recommends, it's essential to "accentuate the positive" and "eliminate the negative," if you want to have a happy life. You can best do this by being aware of what you are sending out, and making sure that it's the sort of positive energy that will attract back to you satisfaction and happiness.

(For more information on this subject, see How To Transform Your Life: Six Steps To Lasting Happiness, by clicking on "Books," at www.shelbybeckett.com)

September, 2005

'Good' does not always equal 'big' or 'dramatic'.

It's very tempting, when asking for good things to come into your life, to be on the lookout for large and exciting results. Certainly, such events can and do manifest themselves, as results of your expectation of good. However, when you get caught up in thinking that only something huge and outstandingly dramatic is acceptable as an answer to your hopes or prayers, you overlook an important fact: good is good, no matter in what shape, size or 'wrapper' it presents itself.

It's crucial that you allow yourself to be aware of all the little 'goods' that appear in your life every day. Something as unassuming as a person returning your smile, or as quiet as a clear, sunny day needs to count just as much as Ed McMahon appearing at your door to announce that you've just won a million dollars. It's all the small, easily overlooked bits of goodness that build a solid 'bank account' of positive experience, on which you can draw when something negative takes place.

Also keep in mind that, while the flashy stuff is fun and can even be life-changing, it only temporarily transports you to the top of the mountain. Eventually, you have to return to the valley below, because the air is too rarified to live comfortably on the peak. The important thing is to know that, while being 'on top of the world' is exhilarating, you must learn to also be comfortable in the valley, if you want to live a truly happy life.

Little things do count; they make up the bulk of our experience here on Earth. Instead of letting the negative ones pile up and overwhelm you, instead allow the positive ones accumulate and provide you with a solid support structure. And instead of ignoring the small, perhaps fleeting, delights, notice and give thanks daily for all the good in your life, large or small. This focus not only makes your life more pleasant in the moment; it also makes you a magnet for more good, since what you send out comes back to you multiplied (see the upcoming October Maxim for discussion of this vital principle).

August, 2005

Keep your focus in the present moment.

Focusing in the present moment isn't as easy as it sounds. Most of us, without even realizing it, spend a great deal of time focused in either the past or the future.

It is easy to lose yourself in the past by constantly rehashing words you wish you'd left unspoken, or by trying to figure out what you—or someone else—did wrong, or could have done better. Focusing back into the past also keeps alive anger about things that upset you, making it impossible for you to forgive the people you blame, even though this unforgiveness causes you ongoing pain.

On the other hand, the time you spend in the future usually consists of worrying about or fearing what is going to happen. This negative focus drains your ability to make useful decisions in the present, and frequently boomerangs into a situation where the very thing you fear actually manifests itself, simply because "what you believe is what you receive." Of course, sometimes you may daydream about wonderful things you would like to see become your reality. Getting caught up in this, however, drains off the very strength you need right now, in the present, in order to make this rosy future eventually appear.

The problem with leaping back and forth between the past and the future is that it keeps you from paying full attention to the present, which is the only time you can really live. The past and the future are both fantasies. The future is a fantasy, because it never comes. When tomorrow (or next week or next month) arrives, it shows up as today. Even if you could build a time machine and transport yourself two hundred years into the future, the moment you stepped out, that former future would instantly become your present!

The past is, in its own way, also a fantasy, because you always view what happened there through the distortion of time (the longer ago it happened, the more distortion is likely) and through the filter of your own emotions. Because of this, you can never be sure that what you are recalling actually took place exactly the way you think it did. Even if you should remember accurately, focusing on hurt, anger, and guilt only destroys the possibility of present-moment happiness.

Today is all you really ever have. Don't cheat yourself out of your life by ignoring your present moments, squandering your allotment of irreplaceable time on feeling hurt or angry about what you think happened (or should have happened), or worrying or daydreaming about what might, perhaps, take place some day. Keep your focus here, in each present moment; it's the only time you can truly live!

(For a fuller understanding of how to stay in the present, read The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle.)

July, 2005

When you resist something, you lock it in place.

This is a difficult concept to understand and accept. But resisting something you dislike creates a 'pushing" energy that automatically causes a counter-response from whatever it is you're resisting. This causes you to be stuck with the very thing you don't want!

Imagine you are standing opposite someone you don't like. You put up your hand to shove the other person away, and he or she automatically throws up a hand and pushes back. Now you're locked in a stand-off. The situation can shift only when one person stops pushing.

In life, the 'other person" you dislike represents the unpleasant events and circumstances that happen to all of us. These situations are not going to withdraw their pressure (since they neither think nor reason, but are simply 'there"), so you must be willing to quit pushing, if you want the situation to change. This may seem unfair, but it's the only practical way to get through circumstances you don't like as quickly and easily as possible.

If you are willing to look at a situation you don't like and give it permission to be what it is and let it be all right (at least for now) that it's the way it is, you will find yourself moving through the unpleasantness much more quickly that you would have thought possible. You let it be all right, not because you like the situation or want to keep it, but solely because you can't fight 'what is", and win.

Withdrawing your resistance is the only way you'll be able to unlock the pressure that jams the situation in place. When you do this, you neutralize the jammed-up energy and allow everything to open up and shift for the better.

June, 2005

Taking care of your own needs makes it possible to give more freely to others.

Many of us have grown up with the concept (either taught directly, or implied) that if we don't take care of everyone else's needs, before we attend to our own, we are being self-centered and selfish.

The New Testament says to ". . . love your neighbor as yourself." This phrase is commonly interpreted to mean that you are supposed to give and give of yourself; then, if you have a crumb of energy left over, it might be all right for you to keep it. But if you look closely at this admonition, you'll see that it actually tells you to love others "as yourself"—not instead of yourself, or better than yourself. "As" implies "in the same way as," meaning that we are to love others in the same way as we love ourselves. This means that we must love ourselves first, before we are able to love anyone else.

Loving yourself first does not mean being interested solely in what you want or refusing to consider the needs of others. It does not mean ignoring those rare occasions when your help can, perhaps literally, make the difference between life and death for someone else. It does mean taking care of yourself, so that you are able to maintain the physical and mental good health necessary to be of service to others, should they need your assistance. It means resisting the demands other people may make on your time and attention about matters that your "gut" knows are not right for you to be involved with. Remember that when you do what you know is right for you, it is automatically right for the other person(s) involved. And when you do what you know is wrong for you, it is also wrong for the person you allowed to talk you into doing it, because all that you do will be tainted with anger and resentment.

Every human being has a limited amount of energy and focus. If you expend most of your energy trying to meet the demands of other people, you will eventually drain yourself dry. When that happens, there is nothing left for you to draw upon, and no energy available to meet the needs of those who may truly require your help. You become useless to everyone, including yourself, and end up feeling exhausted, resentful, and often physically ill.

The habit of taking care of your own needs first provides you with the physical health and emotional stability necessary to live your life more happily. It not only allows you to develop the energy and focus essential to feeling fulfilled in your own life, but provides you with a reservoir of strength on which you can draw to assist those who truly deserve your help.

May, 2005

When events or circumstances appear to be negative, remember that how you view what's happening makes it what it becomes for you.

All sorts of things happen to us all the time. Some of these circumstances definitely appear negative to us, such as accidents, injuries, unpleasant encounters—even injuries, deaths, or other apparent disasters. While we seem to have no choice concerning whether or not these events take place, we do have the choice of how we will react to them.

If you are willing to view what's taking place as simply that—what's taking place—without judging it ("this is bad, why is this happening," etc.) you remove yourself from the role of 'victim,' and instead position yourself as simply a 'participant.'

As a participant, you are free to observe what's going on, and to understand that you have choice. Even though you don't prefer the circumstances or event, you can choose how you will view it. The least useful way to do this is to see yourself as a victim. The moment you do this, you condemn yourself to misery and suffering. However, you can choose, instead, to view the event simply as another experience on your life's journey, one that seems difficult at the present time, but about which you can reserve judgment until you discover what the outcome and results will be. You can also choose to understand that even difficult circumstances can result in unexpectedly beneficial results.

Let's consider three people who undergo the same event. One will be completely overwhelmed by it and never recover. The second will struggle through it, hating and resisting every minute, and emerge scarred and filled with sadness, anger and resentment. The third person will look at the circumstances, acknowledge that what's happening is certainly not what he or she prefers, but choose to see the situation as another of life's experiences. This individual will go through the difficult time realizing that a less intense set of circumstances would certainly have been more pleasant, but also understand that choosing to reserve judgment and go through the difficult time with gracious acceptance (since it's impossible to fight 'what is' and win!) makes the distress far less intense than it would be if he or she keeps fighting it.

This person may actually end up viewing the seemingly negative experience as the most important of his or her entire lifetime, because being a participant has allowed beneficial results to emerge from it in ways that could never have happened if the individual had chosen to be a victim.

So, once again, do your best to choose for yourself, by deciding to view everything that happens as potentially for your good, even though, on the surface, circumstances appear to be just the opposite. The only thing you can lose by doing this is a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering! And the rewards can be greater than you could possibly imagine!

April, 2005

If you've made your bed and don't like it, don't sleep in it; get up and change the sheets!

We've all heard the old saw, "You've made your bed, now you have to lie in it." This doesn't have to be true. You are in this world to be human, which means you have the ability to make mistakes. Believing you are obligated to continue your mistakes, simply because you made them, keeps you from moving forward.

Sometimes "changing the sheets" can seem overwhelming, especially if your unhappiness has been long-standing. But remember two things: (1) Time is going to pass, whether or not you make the effort to change. Why arrive at the end of your life feeling you've wasted your time being miserable! (2) Truly making up your mind that you are willing to free yourself from old, unhappy conditions allows everything else to fall into place.

So, make up your mind to create a new, more comfortable "bed" for yourself. Know that it's all right for you to do this. Then relax and enjoy your life more than ever before. You deserve it!

March, 2005

Choose for yourself, not against yourself.

We choose constantly--even deciding not to choose is a choice. What we do with our emotions is also a choice; recognizing this gives us great power over our lives. It frees us to choose feelings such as love, forgiveness and trust, while releasing anger, fear and resentment.

As human beings, we can't prevent ourselves from feeling negative emotions; they often appear instantly, before we can even think about it. Fortunately, it's only when we hold onto them and let them gnaw away at us that they become problems. We can feel negative emotions, decide that we don't want to keep them, and then release them before they can devour us.

Negative emotions will always crop up—it's part of being human. Releasing anger, fear and resentment may seem difficult at first, but if you keep these feelings, you are choosing against yourself. Let them go. Choose for yourself! It's the only way to be truly happy.

February, 2005

To be human and to be perfect is a contradiction in terms; no one can do it.

Being human is the common condition of every person on Earth; being human also means being imperfect, being able to make mistakes. We are here to learn and to grow, tasks we accomplish mainly through our mistakes. Does it it make sense, then, to blame ourselves or others for participating in the very means by which we achieve our greatest learning?

Blaming anyone, particularly ourselves, for making mistakes actually halts our growth process. It bogs us down in regret and guilt. We're so busy beating ourselves up that we miss the growth our mistakes offer us and condemn ourselves to being stuck in lives that can't move forward or expand.

Acknowledge your humanity. Accept your mistakes; learn from them. Graciously and wisely allow others the same right. You'll be amazed how much lighter you feel, and how much more you'll enjoy your life!